Resolve... or lack Thereof...

I don't have the best resolve.  I have always been pretty good at rationalizing my behavior and silencing that little voice inside that thinks that I really have better things to do than watch entire seasons of Desperate Housewives on Netflix.  I am an expert at half-asleep math (the extremely rapid and accurate mental math of the person who wants to calculate the very last minute they can get out of bed without getting fired).  The amount of time I spend procrastinating is really sort of sickening as an adult woman.  I am not saying this to be funny - I am actually pretty embarrassed at my ability to let myself off the hook again and again.

It should not be a surprise, then, that I have never been good at New Year's Resolutions.  I am sure that you are thinking, 'of course not... NYRs are only something you drunkenly boast about on New Year's Eve.  They have sort of become a national joke.'  But the sad fact is, I really start each year with the best of intentions.  Even though a year mark is nothing but an arbitrary timeline, I secretly believe every time that this year will be different, that this year I will finally get it all together and become the person I have always wanted to be.

So this year - THIS YEAR - will be different.

Here are the reasons that I am excited about 2012:

• My first out of the country experience will be an awesome one - Austria, Hungary, Germany, Czech Republic.  It's happening.  It's paid for.  It's the best Christmas gift ever, and I am stoked.  Y'all may not realize, but I have been travel-obsessed since middle school, and sat patiently watching while literally every one of my friends and acquaintances had fabulous European/Australian adventures.  I am not even a little embarrassed to cheer: it's finally my turn, beeyotches!  Yeah, beeyotches.  I am bringing it back.
• Avenue Q at the MCFTA.  It's probably a horrible idea to get my hopes up, given my history with this establishment, but I can't help but think that Kate Monster is a part that was made for me.  If my age and physical appearance is stopping me from getting leads, let's see someone rationalize my way out of playing a PUPPET.
• A new tapas place and wine bar sourcing local food opening up.  I love new restaurants, tapas, and local food, so this is obviously a good thing for a town where the culinary claim-to-fame was once that we still had a Bennigans.
• Friends moving to Midland.  Our friends James and Sherrie (who are expecting their daughter in a couple of weeks, which is also exciting) could very possibly be purchasing a home in the Midland area, which is pretty much the most exciting thing ever.  Having friends here would improve this town SO MUCH, and we love them and their kids.
• Potentially (sssh! Don't tell the in-laws!) starting a family.  This is a big, scary, nauseating bundle of awesome that I don't really want to talk more about, because I don't like to get psyched up about things that might not happen.  Okay, that's a lie, I totally like to get psyched up about things that might not happen (see: rest of this list), but for some reason not this.  It's probably a weird privacy thing that lets me air all my shortcomings on a public blog, but won't let me talk about having babies.  Oh well, let's not analyze that too much.

So 2012 will be a big year.  Hopefully for more reasons than just these, though, because THIS IS THE YEAR: this is the year where everything will be different, and I will finally find a way to exercise some self-discipline.  I will get in relative control of my life, and finally become the person I have always wanted to be.  Here's how:

1. Throw out more stuff.  This is actually a mid-year resolution that is continuing, because it is a slow process and I have hoarder tendencies and a cluttered aesthetic.  Last year I worked on my living room and kitchen through the year was awesome, and I literally closed out the basement yesterday morning (a daunting task that included the gathering, cleaning, and removal of over 50 garbage bags and at least 6 boxes of costumes, props, and old clothes that had found their way down there.  It's like our house has doubled in size.)  This year I would like to finish decluttering the den, mud room, and garage.  (NOTE: Upon re-reading this, I realized that I actually do sound like a hoarder.  The basement was by far the worst place in my house because of all the costuming I used to do.  We aren't drowning in junk, and I can find my cat and dog with ease.)
2. Finish household projects.  Husband and I have this horrible tendency to get projects nearly to the finish line and quit once they're good enough.  This year we need to get good trim in the bathroom, wall off the window, put in the fan, trim the doors in the kitchen and mud room, and secure and finish off the dog yard.  Also, I would like to get one of the biggies done this year - new windows or new siding, unless the roof springs a leak or the water heater goes or something.
3. Lose 60 pounds by May.  Those of you who haven't seen me in a long time, or see me often and haven't noticed, may not be aware that I have gained 75 pounds in the three years since moving to Midland.  It's a pretty shocking number, and I am just recently coming to terms with it, as I have never been a dieter and have always thought of myself in the heavy/normal range.  My goal last year was to stop the gain, and I can safely say I did that, yo-yoing around the last 15 pounds for the last 6 months and coming out 7 pounds under my heaviest weight.  I know everyone says they want to lose weight for their NYRs, but if I am even considering becoming pregnant, I definitely want to be in better physical shape before that happens.  I also want to look good in my vacation pictures, but that's neither here nor there.  Here's my plan:
1. I need to lose 12 pounds a month.  That's 3 pounds a week, ambitious but doable.  Honestly, I am not concerned about numbers as much as I am overall health and fitness, so even if I were to gain 20 pounds of muscle, I am not going to freak out (except I might look like a girl Arnold Schwarzzanegger, and I am not wild about that idea.)
2. I am signing up for Zumba 2 nights a week.  I have done Zumba before, and found it to be fun and a great workout.  My mom and I will definitely be doing one night, and I am hoping I can find a friend to come another night.  
3. I am doing a two-birds, one-stone deal by visiting my mom once a week for lunch, and using their home gym equipment.  
4. Cooking better food.  Last year I experimented with some great recipes that have found thier way into our rotation.  I hope to keep it up this year!
5. Eating out once a week.  Last year I wanted to eat at only local restaurants.  This worked in the sense that we found some great local restaurants that have quickly become our favorites.  It did not, however, cut down on the "I'm too tired to cook, let's have Taco Bell," situations that arise whenever I am working late or in a show.  This is also where our disposable income goes: see next item.
4. Save more money.  We used to be pretty good at this (and lets face it, I am the offender here), but since I have been working I haven't had the guilt-check that stops me from buying the things I want.  We have a good plan for spending, I just need to stick to it.  And we need to eat out less.
5. Write.  I hope to blog more, I definitely want to start writing again.  It's surprising how something that used to be a huge part of your life can vanish in just a few short years.  Also, reading - I am sure I read less books last year than in any other year of my life. I probably finished four or five.  I used to do that in a week.
6. Make time for God.  This is something that I am also embarrassed about - sometimes the things that are the most important are the things that you set aside when you get busy.  I'd like to give God 5-10 minutes every morning, hopefully to bring more focus to my day.
7. Get out more.  Walking and hiking is one of my favorite things to do, but this year I was a total hermit. Also, my poor dog has not been getting the amount of walks that he grew accustomed to when we were new and zealous dog owners.
8. Keep in better touch with friends.  I feel like I am an all-or-nothing kind of person - I probably hang out with old friends more than most adults in my age-range (partially because of the swinging child-free lifestyle that I am currently enjoying), but my ability to just drop a note or call is horrible.
9. Date night.  I would like to make one of our eating-out nights a date night.  After four years of marriage, you start to run out of things to talk about when you go only to restaurants that have TVs in them.
10. Enjoy more.  This is always a resolution every year, and every year I do relatively well, but fall short of say, Color Me Katie or Bohemian Musings.  I am never going to live in a New York Loft or sing in an all-girl band, but I can still find a little bit of joy or happiness in every day, and if I can do that, I will be a success.

Looking over the list, it's a lot.  Don't ever say that I wasn't ambitious.  But do you know the one thing that I think eats up the most of my time that could be used productively?  The thing that keeps me from writing, hiking, calling up an old friend, reading a book, having an adventure, trying a new restaurant, or taking a new class?  TV, particularly Netflix.  It is sort of shocking how MUCH time I spend watching TV.  It's another thing I am honestly embarrassed about.  I, being a bookish, indie sort of person, should be the one turning my TV into a fish tank or something, not sitting on the couch in front of it for hours and hours every day.  I have a suspicion that when people say that they don't have time for things, it's largely because of that.  I know it is for me.  And it really can't continue like that.

<3 Jessica

Can't Let it Pass By...

It's been a while!  With "Trailer Park" closing (a success; I got great reviews, which is always nice) and "Miss Nelson" picking up (the kids are a lot of fun, and I am really enjoying myself!), things have been crazy in the evenings!  Weddings and Senior Pictures on the weekends and a few out-of-town visits with dear friends have left me with very little free time... it takes some getting used to.

The job is going well.  It's a great fit, and while it can be frustrating or tiring on a day to day basis, it can also be hilarious, enjoyable, and rewarding.  That's working with kids for you.

Sometimes not updating a blog for a while can leave it seeming like a daunting task - so much to backlog, so much to cover.  I felt the need to break the ice, so to speak - things are going well, but I need to get back to a normal rhythm of life.  So, I shall leave you for now with some fall photos!  Michigan in autumn can't be beat.

Oh Goodness!

This past week was the start of school, and therefore the start of my new job.  It was exhilarating and exhausting, frustrating and fabulous.  It was strange getting back into the swing of things with older kids, and we still have a long ways to go, but overall I am sleepy but excited.

Now it's just a matter of getting my life organized again.  I had developed a little rhythm in my years of housewifery, and going back to a job that keeps me out of the house Monday-Friday, 6-6 (10:30 on rehearsal days...) means that all of the other aspects of my life, house, dog, hobbies - they're all up in the air!  I have had a lot of fun clothes shopping, though - I can't remember the last time I bought any new clothes, so that was quite a scene.  So, for the next few weeks, I'll be working on getting re-organized and trying to find some time to spend with Husband!

And, of course, the furry children.

<3 Jessica

Life

Summer sped by at an unbelievable pace.  Here I am cuddled up in the computer chair with my cardigan and scarf, candles lit, kettle on the stove... it's my favorite month!  God has really provided for my family this past summer - just a week after I left my job at the school of music, I heard from an acquaintance about an amazing new opportunity with thier education group, Meta4.  Rodney may have a new opportunity on the horizon as well.  Photo sessions are picking up, the squash are ripening in the garden, it's almost time for apples and bonfires... I don't know what it is about this weather and this time of year, but I am feeling really optimistic.

Whelmed.

Long time no see!  I've been feeling... whelmed recently?  An annoying pattern of listless and unmotivated to feeling the crushing weight of all of the things that I have to do stacking up on top of me.

I'm quitting the School of Music.  It started out as a nice way to get a few extra bucks and work with kids, and quickly became a large stressor and time-pit.  I think I'll be better off working part-time retail or something (something I don't have to care about, because I don't have good boundaries when it comes to work.)  All I know is that when I finally decided to do it, it felt like a huge weight was lifted.

For those of you who don't know, Husband and I live a more traditional lifestyle.  He works and pays the bills, I do odd jobs and take care of the house/animals/future children.  The problem is that the odd jobs (theater, photography, etc.) easily take over and make the housey things take the back burner.  But if Husband is the one paying the bills, and my jobs just make extra money for us, then it's not really fair for me to be putting all of my energy into them long-term.  Now for theater or photography, this works fine.  I can spend a couple of months really invested in a show, or a full day on a photo session.  But for the School, it was becoming something that, in order to do my best at, I was having to spend countless hours working on with no end in sight...

So, making that decision has helped.  I still have a few loose ends to tie up with CCC's show, loan payments and dry cleaning and such.  I'm working on cleaning out the basement and putting my best vintage finds on Etsy, which is also incredibly time-consuming if you want to have a nice shop with good pictures.  During my hiatus the peas all died, and the garden has become quite overgrown.  The carrots seem to be doing well, and the squash is out of control, so this year hasn't been a total bust... but still not what I had hoped for.  We also haven't done any of the household projects yet that we had planned.  It's partially been finances and partially the fact that I can't really do it by myself, and now that Husband is back at the prison his hours are much more rigid.  I need to start planning for the Peanut Gallery show I am directing in the fall, and I am debating auditioning for a show in Saginaw that some friends of mine are directing.  I had several editorial shoots that I really wanted to get done this summer (and time is passing quickly!), and I need to get a website up and running for that.  I think next year in lieu of focusing on CSOM, I will be putting more energies into the photography, making it legit and such.  I do want some sort of outside job, as it is very nice to have extra money, and Husband and I enjoy eating out. 

Sometimes, too, having a social life seems like more a chore than anything else.  Having friends and outside interests has always been a priority for me, but in the post-collegiate world it becomes increasingly harder to manage.  I still have the problem with location - the real friends that we want to hang out with all live 30 min. + away, whereas local friends are usually more tiring.  I'm not a soccer mom type, and I never will be.  I'm not big into celebrities or pulp news, and I don't watch reality TV (well, except ANTM, but we'll just ignore that for the sake of the point.)  I'm not queer about men; this is a difficult one to describe - a local friend of mine recently began dating, and her friends (who are some of the more tiresome people) are so QUEER about it.  Like, "tee-hee, you LIKE him!"  It's ridiculous and embarrassing for all involved.  I've never been one to have "token" friends (I have this AFRICAN AMERICAN friend, you see... One of my BEST FRIENDS is GAY!), and I sort of look down on people who do.  I have many gay friends and several friends who are black, but I am not friends with them because I think it will make my life more like Sex and the City.  I don't name drop.  I don't think that I am more important than I am, nor do I think that this town is so COSMOPOLITAN.  I don't think Pure Romance parties are SO MUCH FUN, and on the other side of it, I am not interested in drinking the night away with toothless hicks at some townie bar on M-20.  This makes relationships difficult to maintain, as there is usually an hour or so travel time involved in hanging out.  I sincerely love having dinners with friends, or just casual visits.  I have this vision in my head of Saturday night dinners where we get together, cook, laugh, drink, and have a good time.  Where our kids grow up together.  I don't think that is such a unobtainable goal.  It just seems increasingly harder to find.

It's just such a balance - working from home can be super exhausting, with no real end in sight.  I can usually handle it better than this, but recently (perhaps due to the unbearable heat as well!) I've just wanted to curl up and wait for it to pass. Moving seems more and more appealing (again - I have such a love-hate relationship with this town).  Oh well.  I'm sure this too shall pass.

-Jess

Have you ever thrown a party and nobody came?  Now imagine that that party took 6 straight weeks of preparation and $1500.  Guh.

If I make a goal, who gets the point?

A few weeks ago, a friend told me that he was proud of me.  It was a very odd feeling.  I've always been fiercely individual.  My work ethic tends to lean "nose to the grindstone" as opposed to "squeaky wheel gets the oil."  I often found myself getting passed over for recognition because I don't really seek it.  I am not patting myself on the back, just making an observation - honestly, I have found this to be a weakness in many fields, the inability to sell yourself.

The friend who complimented me works with inner city children in Texas.  He is an art teacher who started his own after school program for at-risk youth.  He just finished his master's degree.

Here I am, one step above a college dropout with a messy ponytail eating a molasses cookie for breakfast blogging at 10:30 in the morning on a weekday.  I don't think I am a poster child for success.

The show opens tonight.  We don't feel ready to me.  Things will be fine - we have some really great actors, and it's a funny script - but I don't feel that this show is up to my standards as a director/producer, and I am disappointed in myself.  I miscast a few people, which I haven't ever done before.  Our time frame was really tight before we had several setbacks, and it's really difficult working with so many volatile personalities (who are all volunteering or donating to us... so the question of how much to demand is always at the back of my mind.)

In all the bustle of the last couple of weeks, I have been neglecting the garden.  (As a side note, I don't know what to call it - urban homestead sounds pretentious and clunky, but garden brings up images of old ladies in sun hats cultivating hydrangeas...)  Some of the herbs are looking downright wilty, and the strawberries are dead and gone.  I'm worried that the cherry tomatoes aren't getting what they need, and the pea trellis needs to be finished NOW.  I have no idea how people manage a full time job and a full time farm (although I do think one full time job would be easier than three creative part time jobs.)

I am frustrated with the Housemate.  He lives like a pig, and the dog keeps getting into his room because he can't seem to figure out how to shut the door after himself.  The last time the dog apparently ate 25 bone-in chicken wings.  He could have died.  He still might. The thought of losing him is scary enough, but the reaction from Housemate was more of anger at the DOG.  The dog can't open doorknobs.  If your room is being accessed, it's because you aren't closing the door all the way.  I hate when people don't just admit that they were wrong and try to be proactive about solutions to the problem.  They have to dance around the issue and try to shirk off blame.  It has been happening in a lot of areas in my life, so this particular instance is really getting to me.

Photography is a joy.  I only hope that I get more business - I worry about expansion.  Everyone oohs and aahs over the pictures, but finding the time in their lives to get their own pictures is another story.  There is something so immensely satisfying about it... maybe it appeals to the organizer in me.  It's like cataloging beauty.  Which probably sounds crazy to anyone who doesn't share my particular mix of right and left brained-ness.

I have been utterly neglecting the school.  I hope I haven't bitten off more than I can chew.  I am already on shaky ground with my skill level...

And all the while, as part of me is working toward this great sense of community, the other part gets nervous when, say, people at the farmer's market start remembering me, or I see kids from the school out and about.  Part of me likes the anonymity of being backstage - the hard worker that nobody knows about.  I guess it's less pressure.  Once you're out there in the spotlight, it's make it or break it time.

I don't really know what the purpose of this post is.  I guess in my life I am trying to deprogram myself from being so goal oriented.  That sounds odd, as it is what our culture is all about, and I definitely think that micro-goals are important.  But the plain fact is, life isn't a race.  It's not a game, and there are no winners or losers.  We just have to do the best we can with the time we have.

And I don't want to miss anything.