Whelmed.

Long time no see!  I've been feeling... whelmed recently?  An annoying pattern of listless and unmotivated to feeling the crushing weight of all of the things that I have to do stacking up on top of me.

I'm quitting the School of Music.  It started out as a nice way to get a few extra bucks and work with kids, and quickly became a large stressor and time-pit.  I think I'll be better off working part-time retail or something (something I don't have to care about, because I don't have good boundaries when it comes to work.)  All I know is that when I finally decided to do it, it felt like a huge weight was lifted.

For those of you who don't know, Husband and I live a more traditional lifestyle.  He works and pays the bills, I do odd jobs and take care of the house/animals/future children.  The problem is that the odd jobs (theater, photography, etc.) easily take over and make the housey things take the back burner.  But if Husband is the one paying the bills, and my jobs just make extra money for us, then it's not really fair for me to be putting all of my energy into them long-term.  Now for theater or photography, this works fine.  I can spend a couple of months really invested in a show, or a full day on a photo session.  But for the School, it was becoming something that, in order to do my best at, I was having to spend countless hours working on with no end in sight...

So, making that decision has helped.  I still have a few loose ends to tie up with CCC's show, loan payments and dry cleaning and such.  I'm working on cleaning out the basement and putting my best vintage finds on Etsy, which is also incredibly time-consuming if you want to have a nice shop with good pictures.  During my hiatus the peas all died, and the garden has become quite overgrown.  The carrots seem to be doing well, and the squash is out of control, so this year hasn't been a total bust... but still not what I had hoped for.  We also haven't done any of the household projects yet that we had planned.  It's partially been finances and partially the fact that I can't really do it by myself, and now that Husband is back at the prison his hours are much more rigid.  I need to start planning for the Peanut Gallery show I am directing in the fall, and I am debating auditioning for a show in Saginaw that some friends of mine are directing.  I had several editorial shoots that I really wanted to get done this summer (and time is passing quickly!), and I need to get a website up and running for that.  I think next year in lieu of focusing on CSOM, I will be putting more energies into the photography, making it legit and such.  I do want some sort of outside job, as it is very nice to have extra money, and Husband and I enjoy eating out. 

Sometimes, too, having a social life seems like more a chore than anything else.  Having friends and outside interests has always been a priority for me, but in the post-collegiate world it becomes increasingly harder to manage.  I still have the problem with location - the real friends that we want to hang out with all live 30 min. + away, whereas local friends are usually more tiring.  I'm not a soccer mom type, and I never will be.  I'm not big into celebrities or pulp news, and I don't watch reality TV (well, except ANTM, but we'll just ignore that for the sake of the point.)  I'm not queer about men; this is a difficult one to describe - a local friend of mine recently began dating, and her friends (who are some of the more tiresome people) are so QUEER about it.  Like, "tee-hee, you LIKE him!"  It's ridiculous and embarrassing for all involved.  I've never been one to have "token" friends (I have this AFRICAN AMERICAN friend, you see... One of my BEST FRIENDS is GAY!), and I sort of look down on people who do.  I have many gay friends and several friends who are black, but I am not friends with them because I think it will make my life more like Sex and the City.  I don't name drop.  I don't think that I am more important than I am, nor do I think that this town is so COSMOPOLITAN.  I don't think Pure Romance parties are SO MUCH FUN, and on the other side of it, I am not interested in drinking the night away with toothless hicks at some townie bar on M-20.  This makes relationships difficult to maintain, as there is usually an hour or so travel time involved in hanging out.  I sincerely love having dinners with friends, or just casual visits.  I have this vision in my head of Saturday night dinners where we get together, cook, laugh, drink, and have a good time.  Where our kids grow up together.  I don't think that is such a unobtainable goal.  It just seems increasingly harder to find.

It's just such a balance - working from home can be super exhausting, with no real end in sight.  I can usually handle it better than this, but recently (perhaps due to the unbearable heat as well!) I've just wanted to curl up and wait for it to pass. Moving seems more and more appealing (again - I have such a love-hate relationship with this town).  Oh well.  I'm sure this too shall pass.

-Jess