Perhaps I should explain. I've been feeling a natural pull toward home recently - theater, cleaning, cooking, yardwork, decorating, photography, playing with kids, doggy parenting, wifey business, and casual visiting with friends and family have pretty much been my life for the past six months. This is strange, because I feel like I have always been a very outwardly focused person - historically, I love meeting new people, visiting new places. I was always the friend who would drop everything for an impromptu trip downstate for a visit. I would think nothing of driving 2+ hours for a day trip, just because.
I guess I have been feeling a definite pull recently, the sort of pull you get when you are moving into a new phase of your life. I felt it upon graduation, I felt it after leaving OEE, and I felt it after the move to this small, quirky community. The problem is, I have NEVER handled change well. I cling to the familiar long after I should have let go. I am definitely an earthen-type person - steady, calm (but full of life), slow to move but stubborn once I've reached where I should be. I think maybe I have let others' opinions of what I should be affect me more than I would like to admit. When I think of what I really want in life, it reflects a great deal more of craft, home, and hearth then it does glamour and nightlife. If one of my friends were telling me this, I would be fully supportive... life is a series of stops on a road, not a highway after all. But why is it that my heart is so resistant to the idea of that life for myself?
I am too focused on others. I have always lived vicariously through my more dramatic acquaintances. It's like I want to have it all - a lovely comfy home, wild and exciting travel, massive parties and small meals with friends. It's this dichotomy that has ALWAYS been frustrating for me - if I had a goal, I could aim for it. "My heart seeks the hearth. My feet seek the road. A soul so divided is a terrible load." --Bruce Coville
The post-holidays winter has always felt like a bit of a chrysalis for me. Our Michigan winters are famous for being long, dark, and bitterly cold. They are the perfect time to pause, reflect, and curl up under a cozy blanket with a husband and some furry friends. When the spring finally arrives, I guess we'll see what emerges.
"Wanderer Above The Sea of Fog" by Caspar David Friedrich
1 comment:
I relate to so much of what you have said here! I look back at all of the friends I hung out with in high school, and the thing that was truly special was our collective spontaneity. Adventure was around every corner be it in Canada or in the Ace Hardware downtown (Fran story). I feel like my post-grad, corporate world experience almost killed that part of me. Even though I've packed up and moved to another country, I still sometimes feel like it's in critical condition. I guess it's part of getting older?
I was always outwardly bound, too. Now I find myself longing for a long, quiet break in Michigan often. I even think about living there, maybe, someday in the future. I know I'd probably get restless if I were to stay there too long, but it definitely has its lure.
I look at your life, or the small glimpse I get via your blog, and it seems completely admirable! You're around people that ground you, friends with whom you have so much history and trust, you are happily married, and you are still pursuing your passions and hobbies! I don't think that ache for something more, to mix it up entirely, is ever going to away entirely, and I think that's what makes people like you and me special!
Keep being yourself and remember that as long as you're conscious of what you're feeling, thinking about it, you can't steer too far off course. And be completely open to surprising even yourself!
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